2008- Age 14

This was one of my most colourful drawings and I think I linked that to how explosive and toxic my emotions were at this point. It is difficult when you are still in your early teens, trying to figure out yourself and also changing on a daily basis. I think myself and my family put my extreme changes in moods to just being a teenager, however, that wasn't quite the case. I constantly felt like I was trying to contain my emotions and scared I'd act out and either be too happy or too depressed and others would think I was weird. I remember listening to my therapist telling me to not worry about this and just allow myself to feel but the idea of it was too scary.

Looking at this drawing now I can see that I was the jar and the word toxic was my label. Everything felt so out of control that I felt I needed to have full control, which wasn't quite realistic (for anyone). I was going through the usual teenager issues of boys, life, growing, friends but I also had this little destructive cloud over me that seemed to avoid being in reality and more in my own little world. What I like about this drawing is that it doesn't look very negative, it isn't black and white and smudged. Its very bright and done in a cartoon type way and I think this expressed the way I felt as if I was in a TV show and constantly being watched and judged. I wasn't really depressed at the this time, it was more that I was struggling with separating reality from my own head. It was a very scary time when I look back now as a 21 year old but at the time, due to the lack of reality I don't think I even felt much at all. 

Looking at this now it looks very confused and ultimately very lonely, contained in a jar to avoid effecting anyone else. I think this is how I felt for quite a while at this age.