2009- Age 15

So this is one of those photos I have been very reluctant to share before due to fears of judgement or criticism but actually this was honestly how bad things were feeling at the time. I think its all very well and good when people imagine depression, bipolar or BPD as feeling sad or down, that's not what it feels like at all. It can be hard for anyone who hasn't felt this way to truly understand the misery it can cause, I was lucky to have had help so young as there are many older people who unfortunately don't receive help or treatment and many get lost in the system.

Anyways, more about the picture itself. The quote at the bottom about being weak I seem to remember that coming from my parents. This photo truly represents a part of the struggle I had with my parents at the time. Its got to be extremely hard to have a child with barely any experience of the world want to leave it so young. As any parent would they would try to do anything to make it seem as if being strong was being alive and being weak was not. At the time my moods were all over the place, reality was a bit of a blur and I think in a way I tried to make suicide seem like this beautiful, peaceful experience, when in fact its the complete opposite. Anyone who has been so out of touch with reality will understand further what I mean. Looking at this picture it looks pretty and clean, which is completely conflicting.

For anyone looking at this picture it must appear as very bazar, which, to be honest, is what I sort of see myself. Looking back at it as a pretty stable human being I cant quite understand what exactly I was trying to communicate. But I think that in itself is exactly how I felt at the time.

Confused, scared and out of touch.

                                                                    2008- Age 14

This was one of my most colourful drawings and I think I linked that to how explosive and toxic my emotions were at this point. It is difficult when you are still in your early teens, trying to figure out yourself and also changing on a daily basis. I think myself and my family put my extreme changes in moods to just being a teenager, however, that wasn't quite the case. I constantly felt like I was trying to contain my emotions and scared I'd act out and either be too happy or too depressed and others would think I was weird. I remember listening to my therapist telling me to not worry about this and just allow myself to feel but the idea of it was too scary.

Looking at this drawing now I can see that I was the jar and the word toxic was my label. Everything felt so out of control that I felt I needed to have full control, which wasn't quite realistic (for anyone). I was going through the usual teenager issues of boys, life, growing, friends but I also had this little destructive cloud over me that seemed to avoid being in reality and more in my own little world. What I like about this drawing is that it doesn't look very negative, it isn't black and white and smudged. Its very bright and done in a cartoon type way and I think this expressed the way I felt as if I was in a TV show and constantly being watched and judged. I wasn't really depressed at the this time, it was more that I was struggling with separating reality from my own head. It was a very scary time when I look back now as a 21 year old but at the time, due to the lack of reality I don't think I even felt much at all. 

Looking at this now it looks very confused and ultimately very lonely, contained in a jar to avoid effecting anyone else. I think this is how I felt for quite a while at this age.