2009- Age 15

This is around the time when my mental health started to spiral. Trying to juggle school, dance, a social life, my exams and my own health wasn't at easy as I clearly thought it was. This would be a time that doctors would now call a manic episode. It made everything go 100x faster and paranoia and slight delusion would set in. I became paranoid of the world around me and as you can see in this picture/collage that I made at the time I was very clearly feeling high paranoia. What I like about this photo is the fact the background is a puzzle piece. I think looking back this represented me holding my life together. Everything felt like it was coming apart and I was barely forming a glue to keep it all together. Another thing I find quite striking is the fact that all the cars in the collage are the same type. To me this feels really intense and if you had happened to see this in real life I can guess that everyone would feel a little intimidated. Unfortunately being in this state of mind has major effects on everyday life. Due to paranoia school started to become difficult. Being there was fine, it was mainly the journey back and fourth from it that I found hard. I had started to see CAMHS at this time, who too encouraged my art, it gave them a better explanation of my mind than my words seemed to do. When I look at this picture I notice how colourful it is. Being in a manic state felt a little like the whole world had just got higher in saturation. Suddenly everything was very bold and very striking which I reflect in this picture. It wasn't a happy state though, which I think is a major misconception with Bipolar. The two eyes in this picture are very direct and I think this was mainly aimed at my feelings of being watched. This could be anyone from doctors, family or friends, just worrying constantly that my behaviour was being judged.

Overall this picture was my expression during a time of heightened sense. Although when I drew it I don't recall thinking about it and planning the picture but now I look back to see how well it reflected my feelings at the time.

 2007- Age 13.

So starting at the very beginning (my pictures get more elaborate, i promise!) was a scribble of a drawing I put together in retaliation to the anger I felt in my first few weeks of CBT. Being asked questions about your past and thoughts on the future is extremely hard to answer at 13 years old. Which is yes, unfortunately when the start of my mental health issues began. An age when you are meant to be starting secondary school and going through the 'terrible teens' was not the ideal age to be spending an hour a week talking to a child therapist. However, I was very lucky to have had such a good support team in place. 

This picture was after coming home upset that I couldn't find the right words to describe how I was feeling and my anger at the therapist for not knowing what was going on my mind (which was quite frankly, an impossible task). 

I came home and cried and my mum, who felt she couldn't help, decided to give me a notepad. At first the idea of drawing my feelings seemed silly and useless. However, when she eventually left the room I gave it a secret go. This was the product. Not exactly a Picasso piece but it was surprisingly releasing just to grab a bunch of coloured pencils and scribble. Not having to design something specific just simply seeing what came out.

After this simple, yet explosive drawing, I was hooked. Although there was still a long way to go into recovery, I had found my means of communication.